Between the Covers-Hey Congress! Home Depot is Hiring
by Torch
Most people who don’t do their jobs get fired. We the People would like to fire Congress and start over with some folks who are “working” for solutions to the tasks at hand, and with the same obstacles we the people have been overcoming to survive. You may re-apply for your position, but be prepared for some changes. From now on, you will be job sharing with someone else, so none of you will get benefits and you will all start at $10.00 an hour. This will be an at-will position so you may be fired at anytime for any reason.
Now, you will all have to have pass background tests, drug tests, and have a thorough checking of references. You will probably have to work multiple jobs to cover expenses to enjoy being a congressman/ handyman, or congresswoman/ waitress at Chili’s where you bring home your shift meal to share with your family. You may need a smaller house, and good luck trying to get a mortgage, as the banks aren’t lending. Have fun paying for gas with change you dug out of the couch, the bottom of your purse, and under the car seats. Get your hair cut at Great Clips with a coupon, buy your suits at Good Will.
You see, the rest of us have been doing this for some time. I work four jobs right now in order to get by. I am tired. I have a degree, spent years working for non-profit organizations that have run out of money due to the economy, and they lay off over half the staff or close down, and my job disappears. I have enjoyed doing community work, but have now had to take a part-time seasonal job while I continue to look for work.
Home Depot is hiring. I took a position as a cashier, as a knee-jerk reaction to my last and loved job that ran out of money. I sat there listening to the big “Welcome Aboard” speech, and all I could think about was the wild ways one could commit suicide in a Home Depot. I thought about dangling from the rafters like a bloody display over the aisle that sells chains and garage door openers. As they played the video, I thought about shooting myself in the head with a nail gun, but then I remembered a news story where a man somehow managed to impale himself with a screwdriver in the forehead and he didn’t even notice until he saw it in his rear view mirror. My dark fantasies were simply a distraction to keep my reality at bay while sitting there trying not to cry.
We endured more instructive speeches followed by a video of the CEO. Then we were all given a folder, which included a letter from the CEO. I read it and found three errors. I wanted to tell someone but knew that on my first day I shouldn’t say anything. All the new recruits received an orange apron, tape measure, and a box cutter. The suicide dream had presented itself with an orange handle and sharp razor blade, and I giggled. Next we were instructed to put our names on our aprons. I had to fight my desire to write “Inigo Montoya” a joke from the movie “The Princess Bride.” I just wrote my name in small letters, as I was feeling embarrassed to be there.
We had a break, and not being a smoker, I went to the training room to wait. There were two guys chatting in there and I casually posed the question about letting the CEO know about the errors in his letter. They looked at me with the shock of “How dare I correct the CEO!” I was quickly put in my place by who turned out to be the General Manager, a former football player ,and the assistant manager, a young guy with spikey hair. I asked the GM if he thought I was a little snot, he agreed. I usually have a regular case of foot in mouth disease. As much as I struggle with this job, I have a job.
The point to this is that our policy makers have lost sight of the fact that we are out here paying higher prices for the basic necessities, and people are swallowing their pride along with the day old food from the food bank. It is humiliating but it is survival.
If suddenly Congress had to play by the rules and uncertainties the rest of us do, they would become very efficient and forget party politics and get the damn job done!
Category: Shop Talk
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