Between the Covers-Pot is Legalized While Hostess Goes Under, WTF?

Jenn Cohen | December 1, 2012 | 0 Comments

by Torch

The people have spoken and, We the people, in order to form a more harmonious state have legalized small amounts of pot for recreational use. Ah, we embrace our beloved state of colorful Colorado! Oh wait, according to Governor John Hickenlooper, “Federal law still says marijuana is an illegal drug so, don’t break out the Cheetos or Gold Fish too quickly.” NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams retorted, “Don’t they have Entenmanns or Mallomars out there?” Yes, in the city of Denver medical marijuana shops out number Starbucks. Woo Hoo! We even have an anthem written by local legend Chris Daniels, “Medical Marijuana” that has been receiving an increase in airplay!

With victory comes tragedy; Hostess goes under just as profits were about to skyrocket! What the hell is going on in this crazy world? Now you can smoke a spleef, but can’t top it off with a Twinkie? There was a mad rush to every gas station and grocery store across the nation, it is the big Twinkie hoarding of 2012! Maybe the Mayans were right, only that round calendar was based on the end of Hostess cupcakes. Check out EBay, people are auctioning off boxes of Twinkies for a medium price of $400 per box, and as high as 1.5 million dollars. What will replace the pure joy of being totally high and biting into one of those little cream-filled cakes, while a chorus of munchies yells, “More! More!”

I, too, am guilty of this crazed rush. I received and early morning panic-filled phone call from my sister, and took off to the grocery store to fill the trunk of my car with Hostess delights. I was thinking they would be fun Christmas presents, but now, it is hard to let go. Those little cakes have become precious commodities. Drug dealers will now have to switch to backdoor deals on Dunkin’ Sticks. Personally, I like the red Zingers with the cocoanut on the outside; and those boxes are mine, all mine I tell ya! Entenmanns is too hoity toity, and Little Debbie is ghetto. With a sad heart I drove to work that morning and ate my last little pack of chocolate wax doughnuts. I thought of all the times in college when I needed that little treat and a cup of coffee to get me through such mind-numbing classes like statistics.

Truth be told, I don’t think I’ve eaten Hostess snack cakes of any kind in the last decade. It is more of a sentimental love of Hostess; Grandma used to give me the red Zingers. We identify sweet moments in time, opening up your lunch box and hoping to find a chocolate cupcake inside where you could remove the frosting in one big piece, and eat it first. There is a continuity of thought, that if the apocalypse were to happen, the few who live would at least have Twinkies to ensure the survival of humanity, well that’s over. Bummer. We can now go silently into the night with our heads held high, or our heads totally high, whichever you prefer.

In the midst of weed and munchies turmoil, Quixote’s moved to what was Bender’s Tavern, and the well- known mural of Johnny Cash is now painted over, a portrait of Jerry Garcia has taken it’s place. That begs the question of who, in another 10 or 15 years, will be painted over Jerry? What will replace the Twinkie? How will the will of the people of the State of Colorado stand up to Federal law? Will this increase tourism? How do those guys sitting in Texas prisons feel, locked up for possession of a small amount of marijuana that is now legal in two other states? The final question, at a time when jobs and unemployment are a major issue, how can the union, arms crossed, justify sinking the company they worked for when jobs are so scarce? 18,500 people will now go from making bread to standing in the bread lines. Maybe they can make new mile-high-style Twinkies for the Medical Marijuana bakeries.