Don’t Drink…And Text

Keith S | September 9, 2011 | 0 Comments

Don’t Drink & Type!

Between the Covers

by Torch

If you find yourself with your head in a wine bottle and your fingers punching wildly on the whine key, then stumble away from the keyboard! We all know the intense emotions of life, and it is sooo easy to EXPRESS our immediate idiocy through texting and email. The time of crying in your beer spilling your guts to the bartender or nearest stranger that will listen, those times are dissipating in the whiff of whisky and technology. Oh, the mad venting on your laptop and rants of deadly diatribe on your droid are at hand! These are things that you will regret, things like telling off your boss or co-worker, the 20 or more pitiful psycho texts after a break up (all sent within an hour of each other), the too soon or temporary declaration of your love for someone, the misspelled lies of your whereabouts and toxicity levels, and so on.

Example 1: “I am at hom deepoo getin some building stuff for the the hous.”

“Noooo I’m not drunk.” (Texting from the strip club with dollars in his teeth)

Example 2: “What happened to us? It is all YOUR fault! And that bitch girlfriend of yours! You’re an asshole, and I am going to make sure the whole world knows it! Can we have dinner? You’re buying, and the most expensive dinner I can find because you OWE ME! I miss you … I don’t understand why you don’t want to spend your life with me.” (From the complete psycho, narcissistic, frigid blamer)

Example 3: (drunk and looking for the bootie call, yeah this will impress her)

“Maggie, I am in the bathroom at this club and I was just thinking about you … I know it’s late but I miss your hair and your smell. Can I come over?”

“My name is Margo. Go FLUSH yourself!”

Example 4:

Dear Mr. Vile,

I am sure you’re in some oh-so-important meeting while dumping your load of crap work on my desk and taking the credit for it. That’s right. I know you lied to Ferman about my report and claimed it as your own. You are such a drunken snake. You should be stretched across the road kill highway turning into a pelt with each passing car. I am sick of laughing at your lame jokes, and pretending to care about your lame life with your mangy cow of a wife. You incompetent BOOB! I QUIT!!!

Bob (Sent at 11:43 PM)

Bob,

I gave your proposal to Ferman to see about that promotion you wanted. You would have gotten it, but due to your current sentiments, ties are severed and your personal items will be mailed to you. Do not enter the building – the security has been informed.

______________________________________________________________________

Moral of the story: When you are bursting to be heard, write the letter to yourself, review the copy after a good night’s sleep, and whatever you do, don’t hit the SEND key!