Horrorscopes – Sept 2011

Keith S | September 7, 2011 | 0 Comments

These monthly Horroscopes are purely for entertainment purposes only. In no way do they predict your future or tell you how to win the lottery. Read at your own risk.

Famous September birthdays:
Charlie Sheen (winning!), Shaun White, Beyonce, Faith Hill, Will Smith, Steven King, and Meatloaf.

VIRGO August 23rd-Sept 22nd

Dear un-victorious Virgin, settle into your own little world as the rest of life heads for disaster. Stock market crash, unrest, and war? Not for you our perfectionist among men, While the rest of the population is getting screwed, you shall be happy with your analytical insight on how to bring order to only that which you hold dear. Keep holding on to that promise ring, the rest of us are stocking up on KY.

LIBRA September 23rd- October 22nd

Diplomatic Libra, it’s okay, while you are sitting around with your thumb up your butt, the rest of the world will make the decisions for you. Life isn’t always fair, and sometimes, you have to pick sides, not just your nose.

SCORPIO October 23rd-November 21st

Sexy Scorpion, you are the reason we all need that KY. Maybe you should focus all that pent up energy on the economy. We would be in the green by now. Beware those deep waters of yours, and don’t forget your life-jacket.

SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22nd- December 21st

Sultry Centaur, now is the time to shine that endless optimism onto others. Your thrill for adventure runs deep. However, with four legs instead of two you are more prone to accidents. Try to look before you leap, you may not like what you end up in.

CAPRICORN December 22nd- January 19th

Crazy Capricorn, it’s okay to get a little help with those big boy pants. No, nobody ever does it as well as you, but learn to humor us less mortals once in awhile. Life truly is like a box of chocolates for you. You never know what you’re going to get into.

AQUARIUS January 20th- February 18th

Wonderful Water-bearers, ever think of carrying beer? Maybe some people don’t like water. Anyway, if it happens that you become confined in your crazy world of being a friend collector, you can always sing Free Bird at the top of your lungs. It will give you that much needed space you crave. Although, it may increase your popularity amongst the canine crowd.

PISCES February 19th- March 20th

Funny little Fish, stick to calm waters this month. Don’t go chasing waterfalls, as it were. Your compassion and devotion to others may be sweet, but save it for your artistic talents. Besides you may go farther with those than some freaked out trip in the back alley two blocks from home.

ARIES March 21st-April 20th

Ramble on dear Ram as you go head first, as always, into your new endeavors. One way to get ahead is by biting the balls off bulls and selling them as appetizers at your local bar and grill. I’ll have mine with a side of cocktail sauce.

TAURUS April 21st- May 20th

Stubborn Bull, beware of rams with sharp teeth. It’s all fun and games until someone ends up with the wrong type of cocktail sauce as a partner. Your lazy ways can and will bite you in the butt, literally.

GEMINI May 21st- June 20th

Witty Twins, don’t walk around with your eyes crossed all the time. Just because there are two of you doesn’t mean we all see both sides. Besides, if someone smacks you in the back of the head, your eyes will stay that way.

CANCER June 21st- July 22nd

Moody little Crab, it’s ok to use all that energy on yourself sometimes. We know about your tough guy attitude. However, we absolutely love that juicy inside, it is delectable with a side of lemon butter.

LEO July 23rd- August 22nd

Loyal Lion, you are a leader among your pride. The same pride that makes most conversations so one sided. Try swallowing it instead of biting into your poor neighbor. There are always two sides to every story.

CREATIVE MASTERMIND: DOUG WARE