Musician 101 #6

Musician 101 – Round 6

What to do to take it to the next level

By the Swami

Back in the 90’s when I had a developmental deal with Sony, I was privileged to have several great mentors. Then the labels still had A/R departments and would look for talented artists to sign and then “train” to be a pro. For me, I was lucky enough to have such encounters. Here in this monthly column I will share with you not only the things I learned from “the big boys” but really from the school of hard knocks and the other school of figuring out what not to do.

Each month I will pick a different topic that I think truly makes the difference between amateur and professional.

You need to laugh too!

Being in the media industry for several years as the Publisher of Music Buzz magazine, I am often surprised at how many bands aren’t prepared to present themselves as a business and garner attention through easy to find marketing materials.  Below are what we consider “standards” and a few other things to think about.

This has been around a while, but I thought I would share it with you all…LOL!

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.

2. Your manager’s not helping you. Fire him.

3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word “recoupable” in the dictionary.

4. No one cares who you’ve opened for.

5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more “important”.

6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it’s time to break up.

7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.

8. If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar with their music (“Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?”)

9. Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified small talk. Don’t do it.

10. Don’t say your video’s being played if it’s only on you tube.

11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention “artistic freedom” and “a guaranteed 3 record deal”.

12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.

13. Never name a song after your band.

14. Never name your band after a song.

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY. 😡 😉

16. Never enter a “battle of the bands” contest. If you do you’re already a loser.

17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: “rock opera”, “white rapper”, “blues jam”, “swing band” “open
mike”, etc.

18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.

19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it’s rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game. They’ve gotta
stop coming to your shows.

20. It’s not a “showcase”. It’s a gig that doesn’t pay.

21. No one cares that you have a web site.

22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.

23. Don’t hire a publicist.

24. Playing in Huntsville and Conroe doesn’t mean you’re on tour.

25. Don’t join a cover band that plays Bush songs.

26. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep
changing them between songs?

27. Don’t stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That’s what girlfriends are for.

28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.

29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.

30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?

31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.

32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.

33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.

34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.

35. Rock oxymorons: “major label interest”, “demo deal”,” blues genius”, “$500 guarantee”, and
“Fastball’s second hit”.

36. Three things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

Got a question or a topic to cover?  Hit me up [email protected] – I am here to help!

Tags: the swami, musician 101

Category: Shop Talk