Oct 11 ‘Horror’scopes

By Robin Spencer

These monthly Horroscopes are purely for entertainment purposes only. In no way do they predict your future or tell you what you should wear for Halloween. Read at your own risk.

Famous October Birthdays: Anne Rice, R.L. Stein, Flea, John Mayer, Picasso, Bill Gates, The Foz, Scott Weiland, Paul Simon, Simon Cowell, Eminem, Doug Ware, and Snoop Dog.

LIBRA Sept 23rd- Oct 22nd

Indecisive Libra. This really isn’t the best time to figure out a set plan of action. It would take way too long for you. So I have made an example for you. This Halloween you can go as a Zombie-Cheerleader. That way you can have the best of both. RAH! RAH! Now go cheer on both sides and play nice!

SCORPIO Oct 23rd-Nov 21st

Dirty Scorpion, you will rule the parties this month as your creative juices flow. Don’t blame me, however, when you wake up wearing a fuzzy animal costume with a trap door on it. Just take the rubber ball out of your mouth and smile. You were the life of the party and everyone on Facebook now knows it too.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22nd- Dec 21st

Serious Sag. We know it’s all an act. You are going commando on a daily basis. So while you are all dressed up in your Toga outfit this month, free-balling all over the place, please try to remember this tip. Make sure the sheets are clean, you don’t want what your friends got!

CAPRICORN Dec 22nd- Jan 20th

Conceited Capi. No wonder you are feeling worthless. Being both fish and goat would make anyone nuts! What in the world is that anyway? Maybe you should take the safe route and dress up as a doctor or nurse this year. If anything, it should make you feel a bit more useful. Just don’t try to prove yourself through random acts of stupid. Some famous last words include “hey guys, watch this!”

AQUARIUS Jan 21st- Feb 19th

Sarcastic Aquarius. It’s the month to pull out those old leather pants you have in the back of your closet and take a ride on the wild side. Bikers are back in a big way, along with the herpes and other venereal diseases. You can still be the life of the party though, as long as you bring the Valtrex. Cheers! Now how is that for sarcasm?

PISCES Feb 20th- Mar 20th

Freaky Fish. Maybe you can go as Hitler this year.. With all those people who blindly look up to you, we may just see a change in power! Try to be modest with your addictions. Be it drugs, religion, or art. Everything is better in moderation. Have fun, but not too much or you may end up on the wrong end of a pineapple. Oye Vey!

ARIES Mar 21st- Apr 20th

Dear fiery Ram. Don’t be upset that you are merely the mascot for our University. This month you can exact revenge for all that trauma it may have created. All it takes is a camera and Facebook. They will provide the rest. So jump into that pimp or hooker costume and invade those frat parties with a vengeance. We will see you on the internet.

TAURUS Apr 21st- May 20th

Lazy Bull. I think the best bet is to go out as a couch this year. That way no one will expect you to do anything you don’t want to. You can just lay there, as always. If you are motivated enough you may even find one with a built in toilet. Ahh the good life.

GEMINI May 21st- Jun 20th

Devious Twins. While everyone is set in their plans, you have yet to decide the color of your underwear. So while you go to your many parties and change into your numerous costumes in your car, try to remember that all it takes is a camera and Facebook. Choose your undies well!

CANCER Jun 21st-Jul 21st

Caring Crab. As you don your Mother Theresa or priest costume this month, try to remember to enjoy yourself a little. It won’t hurt to pray to the Porcelain God once in awhile. It sure looks different being the one in there and not just holding the hair of others.

LEO Jul 22nd- Aug22nd

Vain Lion. Since you already know what you will be this month, I will save my advice. Outshining your friends is what you do best. We do enjoy basking in your awesomeness even if it is half-assed. Too bad they don’t make a God costume. I guess you will have to settle for Thor or Venus this year.

VIRGO Aug 23rd- Sept 22nd

Darling Virgin. As you tie up your combat boots and polish your Nerf gun, remember, that in order for it to actually do some good is if it’s loaded, much like you. Behave as you always are at parties this month. We are all desperately waiting with our cameras for you to screw up!

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